Mondays Mailbag

Dating someone with kids can be very challenging, especially if you don’t have any. In this week’s Mondays Mailbag, a reader expresses his concern of his current girl’s acceptance of his child in the relationship.

I have recently got out of a long relationship that produced a son(2 years old). My ex also has a son that is nine from a previous relationship. I have been the father figure in that child’s life since he was four.(he met his real father at age 7 but he lives out of state)….My new relationship is good, we have been serious for about 3-4 months now…She is the complete package, but I am pressed about two reoccurring themes..

1)At first she had an issue with me being a “father” to the older child that is not mine. I stood my ground and told her that it’s difficult to cut that tie off being that me and his mom have a child together, and also because I have been the father figure to that child since he was 5. She eventually dropped it and came to terms and supported my decision, but the thought still lingers in my mind…

2)She is younger than me, I’m 29, she is 23 (no kids,mature) and obviously she wants one. I am not really feeling the idea of having another child-at this point. Maybe in a few years I will be ok with it. How do I deal with that? I dont want to let her go over “having kids”, she is pure-quality and I love her.

- Reasy

Check out our response after the jump.

Reasy,
Thanks for dropping the note to us about your situation. There are plenty of brothas out there just like you, and we hope they will get something from this just like you do. Regarding your first concern about your new girl having an issue about you being a father to your ex’s child, there is alot going on there. Likely, she may not be completely secure with the current communication and/or relationship you maintain with that ex. Your new girl is young and also doesn’t have kids, so you can’t fault her for not having the experience of dealing with baby mamas before. However, she also may not be totally secure in your relationship, so you being around the child may pose a threat to her that you could attempt to get back to that ready-made family.

Your second issue is a little deeper. With the age gap you have, you both are at much different times in your life. As a woman with no kids, it’s natural to want to be a mom at some point, however, your honest feelings are you don’t want any in the immediate future. This can truly be a deal breaker, as she may again look at the fact you are the father to a woman’s kids you are not with, but don’t want any kids with the woman you are with now. My advice to you would be to think long and hard about where this relationship is right now, and where you want to see it go in the coming months. It seems that both of you are not on the same page on some critical topics, that if not addressed, will derail this relationship for good.

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