The Ex Girl or The Next Girl?

This weeks edition of Monday’s Mailbag features the decision many fellas face at some point in the relationship, the ex acting as a homewrecker.

YB,
I love your blog, and have followed it since I found the link on GlobalGrind a few weeks ago. I see you have good relationship articles, and hope you can help me. My man has all of a sudden started talking to his ex again, through facebook and text messages. They broke up 2 years ago, and we started dating about 2 months after the break up. I don’t talk to any of the men in my past, and have told him I am not comfortable with it at all. The ex and I have a mutual friend, and she has told me he is trying to get back, but I have no concrete evidence.

Is there any logical reason he would be talking to her, other than to get back?

Jasmyn

Check out what the big homie @zillz had to say to Jasmyn after the jump.

Jasmyn,

First I want to thank you for writing in to YoungBrothas.

There are some things you have to consider before taking the next step.

1. Men are stupid. I am a man. The epitome of all man and even I know this…the smart ones accept it, the dumb ones fight A FACT.
We can be totally oblivious to a woman’s true intentions. Whether they are good or bad.

2. To be put simply, USUALLY clear-headed thinking doesn’t occur in a man until he’s around 27 or 28 years old. That’s when he’s (USUALLY) matured, and finally ready to settle down and actually behave in ways that surmise a complete relationship. I say usually because there are others who are 30, 40 and 50+ still living their second childhood.

And to all who are reading this, this isn’t a diss to men. I would never do that.
Just think about your peers for a second.
…
ya see!

3. We at YoungBrothas don’t believe in exes being friends. Not at MANDOM either.
I truly don’t agree with being cordial, casual pals with exes. When it’s over…it is OVER! This ain’t Seinfeld. Your man isn’t Jerry Seinfeld and ol’ girl isn’t Elaine. And none of it is funny!
You’ve drawn your line in the sand, how committed are you to it? It’s not like a bad habit that you can just see past like leaving the toilet seat up.
You’ve clearly expressed to this man who is supposed to feel for you your uncomfortably with this situation.
Are you going to leave if he doesn’t stop communicating with her?

4. Her friend has snitched her out.
You’re right this isn’t concrete evidence. For all that you know, THIS person just likes seeing drama unfold. Or wants your boyfriend too. *shrugs*

5. Men do something stupid sometimes: and that’s talk to women.
I’ve seen it many times. We are having a tough period with the current girlfriend and then like magic some new girl pops up and says all of the good stuff that we’ve been needing to hear.

“Oh I would never do that to you baby.”
“Why is she so mean to you?”
“Remember when we used to just hump all day and not argue!”

Now this woman becomes a confidant in his wars with you. Someone who can decompress to.

6. He could have been lying to the ol’ girl too.
“Nah me and the new chick broke up.”

7. Are you one of those women who believe that your man shouldn’t have any women friends?
I know some who are like that! And that isn’t good. It only compounds on the situation and gives dude a loophole to try to use.
“She’s the only other woman I ever trusted!”
Nevertheless, the ex should never be a woman friend lol.

8. At the end of the day, a man is a man. A complex human with simple needs and can’t be generalized down to one-time behaviors.
Has this happened more than once? This may be rooted in other issues in the relationship. However there is no use in rationalizing her behavior, unless he’s been lying to her too.
How do you know this? Have you been snooping through his things?
When people tell you about a situation that they are having issues with, usually only one side is told from the point of view of a victim.
Hmmmm…what POSSIBLY could have YOUUuuuu done that may have been a catalyst to this?

Conclusion,

I used to hate watching How To Be A Player and seeing Bill Bellamy’s character hating ass big little sister cock block the entire movie. And her plan to get all of the women together at once sent him scrambling. I’m not saying that’s what your man needs. But when the big little sister started calling up his women, it was ugly. I couldn’t watch it no more. Almost had us men in tears. We don’t want to see the death of a player!
But I suggest that you talk to this other woman and find out what’s going on. She just may be innocent in the entire thing. But I would suggest that you express to her your concerns and have an open and honest talk.
If she’s 100% about hers, she has no reason to lie especially if her goal is to get him back. If she does claim that it’s more than pals, then kick dude to the curb. Why would you want somebody who’s planning on cheating on you…and lied to your face about it. She can have the unfaithful guy.
And if they are just friends, let her know that you are not comfortable with that situation and it has to end.

But if she tells you that he’s only been contacting her because you and your man are having issues, then you and him need to work on those issues but she still needs to leave the scene. She’s now a distraction.
Ultimately, after you’ve heard both sides of the story the ball is in his hands, so to speak. His actions will determine what you will do.
Whichever decision that you choose, know this…Stick to it. Don’t look back. Whatever you cosign to, you can’t fault him for later. Handle the issue now. He should want what you want, your happiness.

…unless you’re crazy!

Zillz is a creator and destroyer of all things innanet. www.mandommag.com

Tagged as: Guest Blog, Mondays Mailbag