Women With Kids – Deal or No Deal?

In college, I remember telling my best friend at the time that a. I didn’t want to get married till I was at least 30, and b. I didn’t want any kids till I was at least 35. My best friend was the exact opposite of me, though, and seemed to be that rare brotha “in love with being in love”. Time passes on, and as I sow my oats in college, as any smart, on-the-rise brotha would, my boy wound up getting caught up in love with a girl he met while in GA. She was a beautiful girl, 20 years old, and had a 3 year old son from a prior relationship. My boy was a ball player, and on scholarship at the time playing baseball. A free ride in school, and all the women he could want, but he just knew this girl was the one. At the age of 21, entering his junior year, he got married. While I was happy for him, I remember the words I told him like it was yesterday before he walked down the aisle, “Make sure you are ready to be hubby AND daddy”.

Unfortunately for him, he was not. By his 25th birthday, he was divorced, and a father to his own daughter paying child support to his ex-wife/baby mama. I tell that story not for people to feel sorry for him, because that was his decision. I tell it to bring up a topic many single fellas with no kids face daily. The older you get, the less likely you will meet women that are single, sexy, sane(no crazy chics) and seed-less(no children).

The major media stations may put out the alarming facts that 42 percent of black women aren’t married, but if you really look at that number, I would be nearly half of those 42 percent have at least 1 kid. For a young black man, age 23-29, his options are literally unlimited. For myself personally, there are some things I just won’t bend about. I don’t want to date a woman that has kids, because I want the woman I marry to share something special, our first child. Not just our first child together, but the whole miracle of birth thing with the woman that will carry my last name forever.

When I meet women, the first conversation I have with them is covering “the basics”. They need to pass the 4S Test for me to put any “work” in. Some may be offended by that, and that’s your perogative, but most of the time women I’ve met that have kids from past relationships are also the ones that wind up being over 30 wondering why they aren’t married. The answer usually turns back to them. It’s easy to blame black men for not “stepping up to the plate” or the “lack of good men out there”, as you hear all the time. Deep down though, I doubt that’s the case. Instead of that one finger you are pointing to the fellas, look at the four point back to yourself. A man who goes into a ready-made family is entering a truly unique situation.

He has to be prepared to potentially deal with baby-daddy drama, and also the baggage that comes with that failed relationship. He also has to win over the kids, because they will ultimately pass or veto you like the healthcare bill on the senate floor. Perhaps more important than all, you will always know that you aren’t the most important person/people in your girl’s life. Her kid/kids will be at the top, and if it is between them and you, you are out, guaranteed.

There are dozens of beautiful black women that are holding it down as single mothers out there, and I salute them for all they do. For me, though, the same thing I applaud you for is why I wouldn’t wife ya. What are your thoughts? If you are a brotha out there with no kids, could you see yourself marrying a woman with a ready-made family?

Tagged as: Dealbreakers, jumpoffs